A Journey to the Center of My Stomach

I, as with many people who are influenced by this vast universe of social media pressure, am trying to lose weight before I graduate from college. As a Writing Major, I am going to be entering a field that has a microscope on everyone, including the reporters. Since I want to work in the magazine/publishing industry in a big city, I feel, perhaps superficially, that I need to look a certain way in order to be competitive in this field. It is an undeniable fact that people who are deemed beautiful by societal standards obtain more from their jobs; opportunities, salary increases, bonuses etc. This is not to say that I have become a mannequin for the industry to try their critiques on, nor do I think I am unattractive. But I want to be healthy, have more energy, and be able to be a strong competitor in a sea of pretty, privileged women.

To give some background, when I was in my freshman year of high school I was at a very reasonable weight. At 5’6” I weighed 135-140 lbs. It was at this time that my sister developed an eating disorder, and as the years progressed I wanted to be everything that she wasn’t; the embodiment of a body that did not look emaciated and ill. I gained a small amount of weight up to this point, maybe ten lbs. in two years. In my junior year, I was sexually assaulted, and then was diagnosed with trichotillomania, a hair pulling impulse control disorder, and later bipolar II. I was a very popular, likeable, social person, but at this point, I did not want to be pretty, I wanted to be invisible.

By the time I reached the second semester of my junior year in college by weight had skyrocketed to 217 lbs. I had tried many diets before but continuously failed. For my New Year’s resolution this year, I promised that from January 1^st on, there would be no excuses. I was going out into the real world soon, and I needed to be in a good emotional place in order to be able to succeed in a world full of criticism. I wanted to define my weight; I did not want my weight to define me.

I decided to keep a food journal and every day I would write what I ate. I started at 1200 calories a day. About three weeks into it I was taken to the hospital because I was malnourished. I did not do this on purpose; I read articles that said that this was the smallest amount of calories one could consume without being in a dangerous zone. But, for my body type, this amount was too small.

I increased my calorie intake to 1350-1500 calories. Today I weigh 195.5lbs. I decided that I want to keep a summer weekly blog, in order to track this journey for myself. The food diary will not be enough for me to explain the emotional, mental and physical struggle it will take to return to a healthy weight. I want to also be able to help others, any I encourage anyone who needs a friend to contact me. I am sure that at this point, I need a friend too.

I will not be able to post regularly until May 10, when my finals end. When that day comes I will post my weekly entry on Sundays. I will try to include anything I can find, tricks, tips and anything that I think that has worked for me that I think will work for others.

I don’t want to starve myself. I don’t want to rush it. I don’t think I am ugly. I don’t want to be perfect. At worst, I would say that I am prideful. I was very athletic in high school and want achieve that level of athleticism once more. Most of all, I want to be proud of myself and I want to be happy.

Please, talk to me. Contact me, question me, critique me, laugh at me, and laugh with me. I’m a dork, I am sure I need more psychological help than I’ve been given. Help me revel in my successes and help console me in my failures. I will do the same for you.

-         Eraser Dusters

Here is a weight loss break down of each month. When I post regularly, I will do one of each week:

2012

Starting Weight: 217lbs.

Goal Minimum Weight: 127lbs.

Goal Maximum Weight: 145lbs.

Need to Lose: 90lbs.

January 1 - 217lbs. (-0lbs.)

February 1 – 207lbs. (-10lbs.)

March 1 – 204.5lbs. (-12.5lbs.)

April 1 – 198.5lbs. (-18.5lbs.)

Today (April 24) – 195.5lbs. (-21.5lbs.)